literature

Daily Routine

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Literature Text

"I'm not going to be the one to go down in history as the bad guy," she snarled softly to herself.

This is what she told herself every morning with a scowl on her face. After shedding a tear or two...or three...she got in the shower, rinsing her pain down the drain for the time being. She told herself things to try and get motivated for the day. You can do this. You're not alone. Don't listen to the others.

But she knows it's all a lie. She can't do this. She's completely alone. She can't help but listen to the others.

There used to be people she could automatically turn to. People she trusted used to surround her. Now her emotional barrier was stronger than ever and wasn't letting up for anyone or anything. Her mood hadn't changed in months. The only thing that had varied was the expressions she stuck on her face every day. That's not how she really feels.

If she showed how she really felt she would scare people she loved away. Therefore, she keeps a facade. No one noticed the difference. She wasn't called a fantastic actress for nothing. She was dubbed that for a very obvious reason. She could hide true emotion like nobody's business. No one could ever for the life of them figure out what she was really feeling or thinking unless she outright told them, which she very rarely ever did.

She gets dressed and makes her way downstairs to the kitchen. But she's only fooling herself. She doesn't plan on eating. She stares longingly at the knife rack that holds all of her true friends but knows that she had already broken a promise; a promise she'd made to someone who was extremely important to her. She had sworn never to do that again, lest she do it for both of them.

Sometimes, however, she comes close. But it was never bad. Not compared to everything else she did anyway. Crying, staying up all night, consulting her friends at four in the morning, longing...all of it was horrible and she knew it. But she didn't stop. She hated her nightmares enough to influence herself to stay up until ungodly hours of the morning.

After staying in the kitchen for about ten minutes to make it seem like she's eaten, she heads back upstairs to the bathroom. She looks at herself in the mirror...well, all but the eyes. She avoids them. Looking in them reflected all the pain and agony and suffering she felt and had caused. Her eyes held so many horror stories. She looks at her body, seeing all the flaws and faults that others are so quick to point out.

Fat. Hideous. Freak of nature.

She listens to and agrees with all these things. School, despite seeing her friends, is no better. She puts on her mask and walks in, hoping to see the one person she really cares for. They exchange a glance and that's all he seems to spare her now. She puts her head down and keeps walking, dejected. Not even an attempt at hello was made on his part. He just kept talking with his friends, not caring that she wasn't there anymore.

She wished for that pain to stop. He was all she really needed and wanted at this point. He was always the one she could confide in without fail or question. But now...now everything was different. He was still her everything but he didn't see it. At least, that's what it looked like.

She goes throughout her day smiling and laughing and dying a little each time. No one sees her agony that she wants to show. She wants to scream so people understand.

She has stopped eating regularly.

Disgusting. Wretch. Not worth it. No one loves you because if your weight. She feels so extremely self-conscious at these statements. She laughs and pretends to brush it off as she's killing herself in the inside. She uses whatever her mind thinks up. After school is spent trying to talk to or get genuine attention from the one she cares so much for. But he has no time for her. Not anymore it seems.

She goes home. She cries. She wants to die. But she can't. She needs to stay alive for the well being of others.

Even in agony does she think of them; the people who care for her endlessly. Even if they don't outright show it she knows they're there. She sits and waits for them. She waits faithfully every night. Waiting. Watching. Hoping. Longing.

Dying a little inside.
I've based this off how my day goes down. None of this is a lie.
© 2013 - 2024 TangledTabby876
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Pokepower888's avatar
...

*hugs*

Wait no longer. People do care for you. I care for you, after reading all of this.